Honesty can help your child trust you, but certain information from the adult world will only overwhelm your child.
Behind closed doors
Kids do not need to know the intimate details of your marriage or relationship. This includes arguments you’ve had with your partner, affairs you’ve had, or information about your intimate life. If you must vent about relationship issues, confide in another trusted adult or professional.
Making them choose
You may want to tell your child why you are angry with your ex-spouse after a divorce or separation. However, your child’s other parent isn’t gone forever, and hearing you badmouth them over and over can place your child in a loyalty bind.
They may feel bad about loving someone you say is selfish, irresponsible, or mean. Kids can receive truthful, age-appropriate explanations about changes in the family without being made to feel like your therapist/spouse.
Adult-sized worries
Kids understand that sometimes a family has to save money or that they can’t afford something at the moment. They don’t need to know about late bills, debt, or the possibility of foreclosure or fear of unemployment.
Younger kids may even think that financial hardship means they are in immediate danger. Provide them with age-appropriate information about what affects their life in a calm manner and keep adult budgeting between the adults.
Words that linger
Parents may innocently share with a child someday that they did not plan the pregnancy. But phrases like “you were an accident” or “we didn’t want any more kids”. However, these phrases can have a significant impact on a child when they hear them.
Your child may believe that they were unwanted because they caused an issue for their parents or disrupted their life. There is a huge emotional contrast between telling a child a pregnancy was unplanned versus the child was unwanted.
A debt they never owed
Parenthood requires sacrifice. But constantly reminding kids of what you sacrificed for them can saddle them with debt they never consented to owe. Talking about giving up a career or freedom, or staying in a loveless marriage “for you” can burden a kid with guilt for a parent’s discontent.
Children should learn to be thankful and understand that people in a family will sacrifice things for each other. But that doesn’t mean you should make them feel as though their presence keeps you unhappy.
Inherited battles
Your child doesn’t need to know every detail about why you haven’t talked to your sister in a decade or why you hate their grandparents. Some family history will become pertinent at some point, especially when it concerns their safety or themselves.
But airing years of grievances can teach kids to carry baggage they didn’t earn. Allow them to develop healthy relationships as they see fit when it is appropriate.
Deepest fears
Parents are naturally concerned about their kids but don’t have to verbalize every scary thought. Saying to a teen that you’re scared they’ll fail at life, wind up alone, or become just like an addict relative can brand them with your fear.
Kids tend to recall these phrases much longer than you might think. Focus on particular actions or real problems rather than using your worst fear to define who your child will be.
Another’s confidences
Don’t use your children as the repository of secrets that aren’t theirs to know. Sharing confidential details about another family member’s marriage, finances, health or issues makes your children uncomfortable, especially if you then ask them to act as though they don’t know.
It also sends mixed messages about secrets: others’ confidences are OK to share if the information is tantalizing enough. Practice what you would like your child to eventually emulate.
Too much responsibility
Saying things to your child like “you’re the only person I have” may feel loving, but places a huge emotional burden on them. They may start worrying that if they go off to college, spend time with friends or otherwise leave their parent alone, they’ll be lonely or devastated.
Children can and should comfort their parents sometimes and understand that adults have feelings too. But they shouldn’t feel like they have to keep a parent emotionally whole.
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