Parents place high expectations on their firstborn without always understanding how it impacts them.
“You’re the oldest, you should know better”
Just because your child is the oldest doesn’t mean they will instinctively know how to act better, have more self-control, or require less attention than their siblings do.
If you continuously cite age as the reason you think your oldest should act a certain way, they will grow up thinking they’re not allowed to make mistakes. Discipline them when needed, but keep in mind your firstborn is still learning and deserves the same patience you show the others.
“You need to set an example for your siblings”
It’s great when your older child instinctively acts like a role model for younger siblings, but don’t saddle them with that responsibility permanently. Continually harping that little eyes are always watching them will only make your child feel like every stumble they make ruins it for the rest of the family.
Reward good actions because they’re good for them to do, not because they’re setting an example for everyone after them.
“Just let your little brother or sister have it”
An oldest child shouldn’t have to always give up a toy, seat, snack, or activity because they were born first. If you make them continually give up what they want for the younger siblings, they will grow up thinking that what they want doesn’t matter as much.
Younger siblings need to learn patience, sharing, compromise, and that they can’t always have what they want either.
“Why can’t you help me with your siblings?”
Children helping each other isn’t bad. Age-appropriate family chores can be positive too. Problems start when your eldest is consistently called upon to babysit, supervise, entertain, discipline, or clean up after younger siblings because you’re busy or they’re free.
Your firstborn shouldn’t feel bad about wanting time with friends, to do homework or focus on their own interests, or just to relax. They’re your child, not an additional parent.
“Your younger sibling can do it. Why can’t you?”
Comparing siblings is unlikely to inspire kids to try harder. More likely, it will cause them to feel embarrassed, jealous, or competitive with each other. They may feel like they have to earn your love by being better than their brother or sister.
Kids don’t grow up at the same rate just because of birth order. They excel at different things at different times. Coach your oldest on where they need to improve, without using their sibling as the benchmark they have to surpass.
“You need to be the mature one”
Parents often expect the oldest child to apologize, walk away, or give up during a sibling conflict because they should know better. Just because your oldest child is older doesn’t mean they are automatically wrong.
Expecting one child to always keep the peace teaches them to hide how they really feel in order to please others. Hear both sides of the story and hold each child accountable for his actions.
“I never had these problems with you before your siblings came along”
The birth of a new sibling can upend an eldest child’s life. Overnight, they must share their parents, adapt to new schedules, and listen to everyone saying they’re now the big brother or sister.
If they act out, chastising them for being difficult with such an adjustment may heap guilt on top of feelings they can’t understand. Often, extra reassuring, one-on-one time and patience will go a lot further than telling them how easy everything used to be.
“You’re too old to need me for that”
Even older kids need comforting, reassuring touches, love, and attention from their parents. Younger siblings will need more hands-on care, so the firstborn may feel the pressure to grow up before they’re ready.
When parents say things like “you’re too old for that,” they may cause shame around normal emotions. Kids gain independence over time, and they feel more confident when they know parents are there.
“When I was your age, I was doing way more than this”
When you compare your firstborn to who you were when you were their age, they will always feel like they’re inadequate. Every kid grows up differently. They have different pressures, different personalities, and different capabilities.
Don’t let your childhood be the benchmark they are expected to live up to. Use your experiences from when you were young as a tool of encouragement or to offer advice; don’t shoot them down with how you turned out.
